i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
