I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Floor bacon is actually really good
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
