He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
