Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
