I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
