college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
