The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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