come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
