If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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