To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
