operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
