Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
