Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
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So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
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My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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