I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
