Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
why does every cop we meet know your name?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
