Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
