how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
