I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
