if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We talked him into tasing himself.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
