im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
