WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
