got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
