Yo dont text me then not text me
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize