I just made out with a guy for $7.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
