Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
