we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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