i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
