there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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