She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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