i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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