Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
