If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
