I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
