Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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