I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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