What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
