He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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