ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
