God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
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I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
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30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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