I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
