Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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