if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
