Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
