It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
