They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
