I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
