I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
