also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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