Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
What drink are we having for lunch?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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