it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
