I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
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