dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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