Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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