you thought your balls were fighting each other...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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