I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My penis needs a shock collar
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
