You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
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