Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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