How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I love you. Go after that dick
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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